Expedition Log — Cycle 9178.67
Vessel Time: 18 years, 3 months since launch
It’s been 6 years since i have arrived in the Milky Way galaxy to explore planets for reasons I already forgot, I’m sending these logs every now and then so don’t put me in the silent box.
I’ve just arrived in the “solar system”(something people tend to call it around here) now heading towards the planet with a huge rock tutu (whatever its name is).
Expedition Log — Cycle 9178.85
Vessel Time: 18 years, 6 months since launch
I have been on this idiotic, pants pooping, pacifier sucking planet for way too long, the Saturnians there are so overly obsessed with their stupid ring that it took us 2.600123 months just to get in! They have 1 planetary directorate just like any other planet in our galaxy, but they don’t even know how to solve some of the most elementary problems like the Damantou equation or the Banli Henai theory, our team will be heading to a Blue planet that we have been eyeing for a long time, although our sensors are detecting high potential in terms of power and intelligence but we are also getting equal amounts of stupidity, hopefully they won’t disappoint.
Expedition Log — Cycle 9192.24
Vessel Time: 20 years exactly since launch
I’ve been on this planet Earth for a year now, I have to say….. These creatures are probably one of the dumbest, clueless and non-threatening type of species in the entire universe.
Starting with political power, they are divided into hundreds of lands called ‘Countries’, these countries are then divided into smaller and smaller lands endlessly and every country has a president that supposedly controls everything. These countries also have ridiculous names given to them, one is named after pottery🥣, one is named after a type of bird🦃and one is even made after a spicy vegetable🌶️
Nowadays, people always hold around a machinery called a “phone”, it’s a rectangular piece of technology with a bright screen people keep touching (still haven’t figured how to open it, every time I press the open button it just shows a half eaten apple and closes), there’s also this bigger version of a phone that’s also a rectangle but with this everybody keeps saying it’s their property, they keep saying ‘i-pad’, just say ‘my’! Stupid idiots…..
Besides phones and these devices, what’s really making them more and more stupid than they already were are these things that are inside phones called ‘APPs’, some of these are used for intellectual indulging, some used for pleasure, the rest used for things that are just brain-rotting and stupid. A very popular APP is this thing called Tim-Dok, it’s just endless short videos of people doing random stuff that you can watch through swiping your finger in front of the screen, some of these humans spend all day on these kind of APP, crossing the street, before sleeping, during sleeping, even while driving!
These APPs like Ding-Tok or U-Tub are filled with these funny things called “me me”, these things don’t have any purpose apart from being stupid and pointless, this me me that’s popular right now is 67…. Just a kid who didn’t even hit puberty waving his hand up and down saying 67….. What it means and why is it funny no one really knows, it’s just socially agreed upon by people on the internet that it was funny, teachers can’t even teach a class Meth (numbers class) without students going 67 like idiots.
Expedition Log — Cycle 9193.73
Vessel Time: 21 years 1 month since launch
Well this is my 2nd year on Earth, I found this pretty decent place called London in a country called U.K., here there’s something really really popular called Soccer? I’ve been watching loads of it, it’s actually quite boring and dull as well
(Writer’s note: It’s called FOOOOOOOTBALLLLLL!!!! And it’s the GREATEST SPORT OF ALLLL TIME!!!!!)
There’s this show called Premier League where groups of people are in a team of 11 and they are being payed millions to play this sport in front of thousands of people shouting chants like: F u Chelsea! F u Chelsea!, in a shellnut it’s a sport where millionaire try to shoot a round ball into a big box and whenever someone slightly touch them they start jumping, rolling, crawling on the floor like a nuke just hit them.
Another thing about London is that it has some of the best food on the planet! There’s this full English breakfast I’ve been having for literally everyday, it’s a big plate of veggies and meat with a side of tea(leaf water) and toasted bread (white dust+some fat), there’s also this thing called Beans Pasta that’s an original creation here in the U.K., it’s Veggie from a can with Red liquid combined with thin strips of what taste like that bread thing.
Also, I learned about how there was this one guy called Shake spear, again not sure what kind of name is that but he’s famous for writing things no one understands. This is another thing I found on earth, their literature is so odd, this guy Dylan Thomas said: “Do not go gentle into that good night.”, most people say:”it’s an universal rebellion against fate”, when it’s just saying :dad don’t die. You see what I’m saying here? These so called writer’s works are just open ended stories that ends up becoming “good or bad” depending on what people think it means, the author never really explain their work cause it defeats the purpose of writing something no one understands.
Anyways I’m heading back to Garganhimer tomorrow on my ship, but before I go I’m just gonna put a bomb in the Sun real quick, I can’t have Arsenal winning a Prem Trophy. Also I’m gonna go scare a couple of random drunk people on the way too, just to make them feel stupid when they tell their friends haha.
