Reporter: Arthur Dent, Earth’s last Hitchhiker
Reported live from starship Heart of Gold
Yep. So this is how my week went from “a battle with the bulldozer” to being “thrown into space”. I am reporting on a spaceship known as Heart of Gold, which I boarded with my best friend Ford as he rescued me and pulled me to outer space a few seconds before Earth got blown up.
This is my official report channel, for anyone considering to hitchhike across space. Let me start with the basics of my current journey.
Why am I hitchhiking?
Of course, this journey was totally unexpected (I had no choice but to hitchhike). My home planet, Earth, was demolished because some random aliens called Vogons wanted to make way for a hyperspace bypass. The Vogons never properly informed us earthlings; they only set up a notice which meant “move or get blown up”.
My best friend, Ford Prefect, is a researcher of the book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy who is hiding on Earth. He is actually from a small planet in space in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. Ford decided that I should be saved. So, on the day my house got destroyed, he took me to the bar and told me to drink plenty of wine to relax my muscles. Then I was launched into space, and witnessed Earth getting demolished. I later landed on a Vogon Spaceship but they threw Ford and me out. Luckily again, I got rescued by another spaceship within 30 seconds, an event with a probability of two to the power of two hundred and sixty-seven thousand seven hundred and nine to one. Now I just need to find somewhere safe to stay alive, instead of being cast into space with only thirty seconds to wait for rescue, and perhaps get a proper drink.
What have I experienced in the last 24 hours?
- Earth got destroyed by Vogons: my house, my dog, my beer, my tea…
- I landed on a Vogon spaceship: Vogons hate humans but at least I did not die along with Earth.
- Vogons read terrible poetry to us: Vogons have the third worst poetry in the entire galaxy. They read it to us as a form of torture. It was the worst poetry I had ever heard, yet I tried to praise it to keep Ford and myself alive.
- Vogons threw us out. We failed to convince the Vogons that we thought their poetry was brilliant. A young Vogon told us “resistance is useless” and threw us into an airlock.
- We got thrown into space: the Vogons released us into space, where we could only survive for 30 seconds by holding our breaths.
- We got rescued by Heart of Gold: we got rescued within 30 seconds despite the extremely slim chance.
So you see, I have been through so much chaos…
The only things keeping me safe
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: Its key message is “Don’t Panic”. It is the only useful piece of advice I have received since being cast into space. Basically, the book teaches people how to survive in outer space, knowledge that I desperately need.
A towel: Ford tells me it is the most useful item a hitchhiker can own, second only to the guidebook. The towel is practical and easy to carry. People can use it for warmth, as a blanket, to send out distress signals, protect themselves from potential dangers and dry themselves off, and it also makes hitchhikers look more reliable.
My current status
Confused, hungry, and tired. We are just drifting through space on a random spaceship. We might be driven away again, we might starve to death, we might face inhumane punishments….but no one knows what will happen next. We might get lucky and survive once more.