im sad.

by

so today i was sad. 

for the past 2, 3 weeks i was watching youtube. but then my dad comes and says no, you have to do homework, you have to study

but i dont see any purpose in this, what is the point of studying

after all

my dad was the one who said to me, “ur grades arent important”

and i trust my dad

if my grades arent important, what is

so i just dont get it

dont get the pont of studying

the point of life

and after that i just cant keep going

the essays i have to write

the books i have to read

the pain i have to go through

and i just feel sad, sad about what i do, sad about what my parenst do

sad about life

and then a reality hits me

all i have in my life is debate, extracurricular stuff, grades, all of these stuff that no one pays attention to

all of these stuff that doesnt matter

all i have in my life is infinite expectations with zero progress, never ending paths of the “wisdom” and “knowledge” that are supposed to help you, all of these things that cage you inside studing and you are left with nothing to do, nothing you once had, nothing you will ever have

you shape your identity

but you are a bird trapped in a cage

and your identity is the cage

every day i see my classmates plyaing games, doomscrolling wechat videos

why do i have to be different

all of this feels like bullshit

the world is bullshit

life is bullshit

and in the end what really matters?

the grades?

tje extracurricular hobbies that you have?

but the more you try to ignore it, the more painful it is

maybe this is why not a lot of people really care

about me?

about life?

who knows

people say “reach out to find others” “treat yourself betetr” “take a deep breath and let go” 

but it only works for two minutes, like a drug that helps you for two minutes then kills you later

just in this case

it kills you

not physicaly

mentally

you lose yourself

but i want to end this on a negative note

as someone once said, 

“with depression, the more you try to resist it, the sadder it gets”

but i am going to end this on a positive note

as the same person once said, 

“try to enjoy life, its worth it”

“youre worth it”

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Comments (11)

  2. Wow! You have hit on the themes of Unit 4 before we have reached that giddy milestone. I recommend going ahead and reading Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Here’s a good quote to get you going:

    “Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.” (Douglas Adams)

      • As you read, think about the philosophy underpinning it. Think about the plot arc (or absence of plot arc). Lots of random occurrences and ridiculous outcomes pointing towards purposelessness. Yet the only character who is sad is the robot 🤖
        The others manage to find their own place in the universe even in absence of any ultimate purpose. Big ideas – maybe of help sorting out your own perspectives.

  3. ummm actually I’m experiencing the same feelings as u but a little different cuz the pressure’s from myself. I hate studying but not getting good grades makes me feel sad and unsafe. So I’m now limiting my sleep time and social time 4 reviewing my useless tests 🙁
    hope u get better & u r WORTH AN AMAZING LIFE
    u really should listen to “I’m Sorry Mom”by Marino lol