So today im sad.

I was finishing my homework today and decided to play with my friends. but then my mom kicks in and naggs me to do some coding homework.

But i dont since i sill have some work to do before i could play. So i proceeded to do this work. whilst my mom is constantly nagging me.

And after that i want to play but my boss(because my mom sees me as an investment) refuses to and requires me to do coding homework.

PS: while i am writing this, my mom is also nagging me to sleep.

And after that i just cant take it. I just got a sudden rush of saddness(Because i have no friends that respond to my messages and my family is causing all of this annoyence, dissapointment, and anger). and i just continued to do my coding hoemwork. so whilst i was doing my coding homework, more thoughts just popped up in my head.

Like “Why am i stuck in this loop” “Why cant my mom seem to listen” “Why am i always sad?” “Why do previous generation beliefs hold on to me and drag me down” And more and more thoughts pop in to my head as i “angrily” smoosh the keys on my keyboard. My mind just feels like that knot on your headphones when you take it out.

I try to calm myself down but i cant.

In the end i managed to shed a few tears. Its like, your so used to sadness it changes to disappointment…

And with a quick code compiler error message shit hits me real. All i have in my life is piano, coding, grades, speeches no one pays attention to, infinite expectations, failed side projects, empty positions, never ending loading screens, empty game rooms and chat history with me texting over 60% of the content.

Its like. i dont see any reason to see grades and coding that important anymore.

It doesnt matter, sure it my set me up for good future life but i miss the friends, relationships i have in the present that also set me up for future that cant be patched once lost.

In the end when you go crazy because of loniness, youll just end up more dangerous, armed with knowledge you previously never needed. Anything can be weaponized

Neither do i see a point in argueing with my parents, and standing up for my self. because i and my parents live in two different worlds. Two different information bubbles.

If all of this feels like bullshit, you can not see this, since i am writing since im sad.

When so much pressure, sadness, limits and expectations from your parrents press you down, such a heavy burden, it almost feels like your going to drown.

And the more you try to write all of this sadnesss out, the heavier your eyes get, the less you thing you exist, more of a robot that was programmed to work as a worthless employee(Makes me think of Atrio(a game)).

Yet i always try to isolate this sadness. but the more you try to forget about it, the more it burns you.

I guess thats why all of us like to focus on stuff other than our own life,(youtube, games you name it.) it provides us with an private, quaint world for us to escape to.

“Reach out””Treat yourself better” “Try to breathe deeply” What do you mean? it works in the shortterm, but the sadness from the root cause will just hit harder later. “Like a poisen designed to work a great time after”

Maybe this is also why i like to talk to myself. I give myself a person that i can talk to, chat. But in the end you realize your just talking to reflections in a mirror.

Listening to energetic music whilst writing this doesnt help.

With depression, the more you try to resist it, the sadder it gets.

The more negative emotions pull you down, the more confused, blinded you will get.

The more negative emotions you get, the more information you get about thinking “why am i like this”. Because we only reflect on memerable things and one of the most memerable things are negativity. And the most are the back stabbs.

backstabbs are the worst. they are things that other did(knowingly, forced or unknowingly) that you cared a lot. You just have this feeling that your trust was literally dumped into the bin.

And this finally makes the negative loop whole, the more sad you get because you have no friends, the more cautious you get, and the more no friends you get.

But we always try to return that artifical paridise that we made in our brains. Lies that others/ us made. For example, everytime i just tell myself “Im special, im gifted, this is just what happens, i get lonly”

So after all of that of thinking, i decided to find a way, nvm just even a temporary patch to solve this problem. And i realized the only actual way is just to vent it somwhere(sorry for being selfish) Which is why i am writing this blog.

And to be honest that is the best way. “bottling everything up” simply isnt an option. Because if you do, like all containers, too much and it will burst.

And i want to end this on a positive note:

But in the end, we still are alive. and life is a gift god gave us that no one, not even ourselves can take.

Life is good

Life can get better

You will get better

Try to rememeber that even in the worst of times, things will get better

A wise man once said:

“Even in the worst of weather, once you rise high enough, you will always see the clear sky”

Try to enjoy life, its worth it,

YOUR worth it.

 

 

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