Far across the magnificent Milky Way, there is a big museum called the Solar System on the Western Spiral Arm. Only a few alien tourists have visited the solar system. The bright golden sun is amazing! Nothing could compare with the ice volcano on Europa! A desert trip is something really cool on Mars!
Most creatures in the solar system are heartwarming and kindhearted: Wopu-Sapan on Saturn, Caca-Wawuwawu on Uranus, Dudon-B on Jupiter, etc. However, the most virulent, infirm, fathomless, and sullen creature was a HUMAN. some archologists in the museum have suggested that, they would brush human beings and their stupid skyscrapers off because they have contaminated the rarity of the universe: Earth a lot of visitors complaimed about ‘barbarians’ building high, glassy stuff everywhere.
Published by Mr. Chicken Publishing House, this is the best museum travel guide to the solar system, better than the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, Leo’s epic story on Earth, A Day on the Coolest Planet: Mercury, Jupiter the durian! and Mars, a cool desert.
Copyright：Leo
Chapter 1:
‘I’m pretty sorry, Nathan, we have to get rid of the cricket in the science lab.’ said Mr. Rockwood. ‘I can’t bear a crazy cricket jumping up and down in that glass box when I’m busy checking out the student’s experiment results.’
‘Oh, come on, Mr.’
‘I would have no buts.’
It’s a tragic May 15th for Nathon; his parents died on May 15th last year. He was not along; he’s with a bunch of malevolent relatives on earth. Now, Mr. Rockwood, a teacher who always neglacts and repels Nathon, wants to kill the little criket.
There was a knock at the door.
Chapter 2
Mr. Patrick:
Hello.
This message is very urgent: human beings and their ugly-looking city will be destroyed by five supper-galactic vacuum cleaners on May 15th at 12:00. Be quick.
Good day
Leo Hastings, the museum archologist.
Chapter 3
‘Patrick, I’m talking to the student!’ shouted Rockwood in a frustrated voice.
Mr. Patrick handed a one-hundred-dollar ticket to Rockwood and said softly, ‘Have a good day, Mr. Rockwood; you have 20 minutes to enjoy a feast before human beings go extinct.’
‘Insane.’ said Rockwood as he drove Mr. Patrick and Nathon out of the lab.
‘Mr. Patrick….’
‘It’s not the appropriate time to worry about your criket; he would be okay; let’s go.’
Mr. Patrick is a spindly-looking man. In fact, he has two gigantic brains, which make him the smartest teacher in the world. He has the handsome-looking curly hair of a Martian and the tough face of a Moonian. He used to teach in China; now he is in America, at New York Smart Kid High School. He is a carbon-based life, but he’s not a human being. In fact, he is a museum constructor from the PC sphere. A fancy planet.
He is about to leave Earth, a malevolent, blood-curdling planet, but he has decided to take somebody with him.
Chapter 4
A few brush-looking things were orbiting earth at a steady speed; their exterior design was quite strange—lurgid bumps, corresponding angles, and an outlandish flash light. The brush-looking things cast an Asia-sized shadow on the Pacific Ocean, from the Balin Strait to the Corral Sea, from the Tokyo Gulf to San Francisco. A tempest was in its cradle, and the wind was blowing like a hurricane stroking the coast. The Apocalypse was close.
The wind shattered the school with its mighty strength, and Mr. Patrick quickly grabbed an e-book from his table. ‘Ha! a soap!’ Said Mr. Patrick as he took the soap from the sink, ‘soap is very important for museum travelers!’
Nathon was bewildered; he didn’t say anything.
‘We are going to have space travel!’ Said Mr. Patrick. ‘ Let’s goooooo!’
The brush-looking stuff came closer and closer to the little blue planet. The colossal brushes stopped, sweeping away the wrecks of the rockets and the atmosphere. Nobody realized that they were going to be sucked in by the super-galactic vacuum cleaners.
‘Attention! Earthly man! Attention!’ A deep voice said, ‘As you know, we are going to get rid of you because you have damaged the pearl of the universe: the earth. We are purging you just like your researchers exterminating animals in your lab. We were mighty sorry for doing so, but, your were fungis.’
The first second: Moscow, Rome, London, Paris, BeiJing, and countless other cities were sucked into the vaccum cleaner.
The second second: All human villages disappeared under a gast of wind.
The third second: A laser beam shot through the cloud, igniting the atomsphere.
The fourth second: The only human survivor, Mr. Rockwood, was sucked into the vacuum cleaner.
The fifth second: silence surrounded the remaining verdant earth.
Chapter 5:
The galactic-supper vacuum cleaner is the third most powerful vacuum cleaner, the second most powerful vacuum cleaner was invented by a Maniac called Leo Steando Craze. In his first experiment (14514 BCE), the vacuum cleaner sucked 3 planets in the Solar System (there used to be 11 planets in the Solar System), the mechine was immediately blown up by the Archologists in the museum and Leo Steando was thrown into the lunatic asylum.
The most powerful vacuum cleaner was invented by human, if you turn on the human beings vacuum cleaner in the space, the universe would end painfully (Hypothesis by LEOCAT, a museum scientist), lucky all the factory producing human vacuum cleaners was sucked into the five glacatic vacuum cleaners.
———–The museum guide: the philosophy of everything
‘What happened?’ Said Nathon, as he opened his eyes.
‘We are in the BDES34434533EEFER restroom of the 4ASECCDCDSSCXX34566767788-QWWSSXSDEEDDD233455GT667YHBTG-EDDCDDCFFRRFFVJCNDNVDKFVVDVJDJDNVFDJKKVDFNVDKD3R394TU8595T8TRJ4J Galactic supper vacuum clearner.’ Said Mr. Patrick.
‘What?’ Said Nathon, ‘a Galactic supper vacuum cleaner? what do you mean, sir?’
‘All the cities built by human was sucked into the Galactic super vacuum cleaners 1 minute ago.’ Said Mr. Patrick.
‘Sucked into the Galactic supper vacuum cleaner? what do you mean?’ Nathon shrugged, ‘Incredulous.’
‘let’s watch the video.’ Mr. Patrick took out the e-book.
(video link: https://padlet.com/Amundsen11/8ell-travel-blog-b3k8uqmedgfsvjh3)
The video lasted about 11 seconds, it was weird, the earth didn’t change its position in the Solar System, the only thing Nathon saw was dazing lines, curves and illuminating vortexs.
‘This is a useful book,’ Mr. Patrick said, ‘Its name is…’
Suddenly there is a Hoowdweowowowwoowowowowwowoowwowwoowwowowowowowowowwoowwwoowowwowwowwowoowowwo sound coming from somewhere outside, Nathon frowned, Mr. Patrick was terrified: ‘why’s the Tenternears driving this spacecraft???!!!’
‘what’s he talking about?’ shouted Nathon.
‘take this pill,’ said Mr. Patrick as he produced a jug from his pocket, ‘this pill would absorb the language barrier signal* in your brain.’
——-
*Language barrier signal: A signal which makes human misunderstood other carbon-based life’s language.
‘Why is there a fiflthy human and a crazy Patrican on board! Why the h**l did god created human and why the h**l did the ship suffer radioactive waves? thats because human, human, human! they showed their ignorance and their low intelligence doing stupid things like contaminating a brilliant planet! wahossws xsdfddvdfddsxxssedes! eerdcdueocdoc ducosafored! Nari duroco! Crado puboirodudu! Crado mirudo! (rude words in acient Tenternearish), I would tortune you by feeding you to a Luh-pesh!’
‘let’s telephone the office,’ said Mr. Patrick, ‘you won’t learn how sullen and virulent these Tenternears are until the restroom’s door is opened, say the word Tenternear as soft as you can to the museum guide.‘
‘Tenternear.’
‘Tenternear is a sluggish organism from Mercury, they wear thick robe in order to cover their sluggish face…’
Boommmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Went the restroom. Mr. Patrick and Nathon were thrown into the total vacuum.
The soly weakness of the galactic supper vacuum cleaner is its fuel, powered by Uro-dudu, a chemical element found on Neptune, the engine is faster than the human rockets. However, soap could detonate Uro-dudu fuel, the most stupid design (by the Tenternears) in the entire Solar System is to combine the restrooms and the Uro-dudu storeroom together, the liklihood of a soap blowing up the storeroom and the restroom is 98.023446554332444423343344%. That why the crew didn’t wash their hand using a soap on the galactic vacuum cleaner or the supply station of Uro-dudu.
Additionally, the probability a bar of soap slipping from a man’s pocket is 99.99%.
Soap, the luxury souvenir by human on earth, racoon, the third most clever creature (Average IQ: 256) in the Museum stole the soap from human’s suppermarket and trade with the visitors from other planets. Soap is also the most powerful dynamite in the Solar System, it could cause distruction on a large scale by mingling it with Uro-dudu.
A, useful, hint: surviving in the total vacuum isn’t something really hard if you have the museum guide with you：all you need to do to is to hold your breath and comtemplate, a reseach has pointed out that, your soul would leave you by make an extra copy if you died in the space. Maybe the extra copy would be transmitted to the nearest museum cab(0.1%), or, lost forever(0.99%).
——————The museum guide: The philosophy of everything
Chapter 6
Dr. Chicken, the history and philosophy researcher was wondering in the museum.
He’s not a carbon-based life, he’s the soul of LEO, the metaphysic life form, the creator of the universe.
Sounds like Methology.
Everything make sense in ulitimate dimension.
‘Being a metaphysic life is the ideal life form,’ Dr. Chicken wrote, ‘you won’t suffer pain, all you have to do, is to upload your soul to the ultimate dimension: there you saw the fragment of everything, and you have the ability to change everything.
‘Im the lucky dog of the universe, I could change the universe, but the universe can’t change me, a lot of us choose to continue the part.
‘what Dr. Chicken is looking for, is where we came from and where we are going, why our soul meet with our body, why our soul left us, etc.
‘Somebody could help, I’ll pick randomly.’
He searched through the eternity wildly. Thousands of practicles were pieced together and went mad.
Anything could happen.
‘Nathon…’
‘Yes.’
‘are we in the museum cab?’
‘…’
‘The 0.1 percent does exist.’
The space cab was orbiting Mar in a steady speed, Mars, the warrior of the Solar System, wore the brightest red robe in the entire Solar system, the canal on the planet were the scars of the Greek warriors, the dune were the waves of the rough sandy sea, the dust storm were the tempest by the wrothful god, the sun were the compass of the legendary explorers.
The cab landed on Mars, crushing a Jacoia’s tent. The Jacoias are spider-looking creatures, they love selling stuffs people dislike.
‘This is the best meat in the entire museum!’
‘Lava fish for sell!’
‘Jewelries!’
‘Poison by the Mars Pharmacist!’
The cab was quickly surrounded by Jacoian merchants.
‘We would make you eat a sand catfish if you didn’t buy our products!’
‘I would feed you two a jug lava if you didn’t buy the fungi grown under the lava cave!’
‘The is my customer!’
‘My customer! you clown!’
‘Oh please shut up, this….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAK! A human! AAAAAAAAAh! WO!’
‘GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAA!’
‘Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehge!’
‘Why the aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’
Mr. Patrick watched the Jacoia running like the rabbits on earth,’Why do the Aliens hate us so much?’said Nathon.
‘Pollution.’ Mr. Patrick explained. ‘contaminated water, filthy air, smog, urbanlization… the visitors thought you were bacteria carrier.’
Nathon said nothing, the cab were driving in a steady speed.
They pasted the great canal, some archologists were digging out a colossal saucer from the orange soil.
‘What’re the Aliens doing?’
‘Call them Archologists.’
‘Archologists? Why?’
‘They are serving this big museum.’
‘What museum?’
‘The Solar System.’
‘…’
The great sun shaded twilight on the huge stone outside the gargantual cave. every canal, every bypass, every country road lead to this sacred place, no one entered the cave, the huge stone would block you. you can’t even blow the stone up, it’s a sin to distory the sacred stone.
The cab stopped. ‘We can’t go!’ said Mr. Patrick desperately, ‘the stone…’
‘Maybe the stone doesn’t even exist.’ said Nathon.’let’s go directly through that stone.’
‘Well…’
‘why not?’
‘the cab would broke into pieces!’
‘The 0.1% does exist.’
‘Right.’ grimed Mr. Patrick.
The cab moved forward, it’s accelrerating, until…
Po!
the cab crossed the great stone like a bullet shooting through a piece of cheese, the cab went stratelly into the cave. It wasn’t a ordinary Mars cave.
It’s a wormhole.
They were back into the universe.
‘Did that cave indicate something?’ Asked Nathon curiously.
‘Well, I don’t know.’ said Mr. Patrick softly.
The colossal Jupiter appeared on the horizon, it like a well-decorated wooden ball on the christmas tree, four moons orbited the gargantual planet, the planet was in fact make by How-How planet constructing company, Jupiter is the chemistry center of the Treterdo people, the Treterdo people abandoned the entire planet shortly after human being’s space garbage killed 3 Treterdoan.
‘did you see the cloud stiring?’ said Nathon.
‘nbvnbvfgbhngfghgfghytrfghytgbhnjuyhju!’ a weird sound echoed in the space.
‘that’s quite a strange phenominon,’
Have you seen the movie ‘Spaceballs’?
Your giant brush vacuum cleaners remind me a bit of the combing the desert and megamaid jokes in that movie.
A very good attempt at using the style of Hitch Hikers’ Guide to the Galaxy in your own writing!
I recommend developing the rest of this story, if you decide to finish it, in different blog posts. That way you can develop each part a little more fully rather than trying t cram lots and lots of different ideas in one long piece of writing. That would be easier for your readers to digest and would help you focus on maintaining coherence. For example, your next blog post could be ‘The museum guide: Philosophy of everything (Part 2)’
There are a few minor language errors. This is probably the most significant: ” He was not along;”
Looking forward to more of your writings. However… won’t it be too long? I think you can totally write a whole book hahaha.
I agree. It is a bit too long for a blog post. This is more like the beginning of a novel, especially with the chapters. Maybe it would be better, if Leo wants to write a whole novel, to make each chapter one blog post. That way readers can move on to the next chapter in their own time rather than being faced with such an enormously long script at one time.