Website of the image: Fanpop.com
The moment the two Nazi soldiers opened the lid of the ark, every piece of electronic equipment in the cave was shattered. A gash of chill, sandy wind swirled in the cave, and the wind grew stronger and stronger until they turned into ghost-like visions in which they danced around the soliders. An ominous feeling rushed through Dr. Jones’ mind: ‘Keep your eyes shut!’
The ghostly vision gathered, forming an outlandish beauty; her wave-like hairs were like the waves of the tempest; her face was as pure as the light shaded of the tempest; her face was as pure as the light shaded by the moon. Suddenly, she opened her eyes widely; her face quickly shifted into the vile, callous figure under the death’s hood, and she let out a bloodcurdling laughter. Somebody behind the ark shrieked like a night owl; thousands of lights split like the currents of the river and torn the soldiers into pieces; inferno burned their way through the cave, pouring light on the rocky floor and wall. The inferno and the lights tangoed together and formed a pillar of twisting rainbows. The pillar changed into a dragon, soared in the dark dome of the night sky, turned, and went back into the ark. Rocks sang, the wind laughed, the bizzare storms poundered the night sky, and burning clouds oathed that god would roit havoc if an evil army opened the lid of the ark.
Much improved! But check these: “roit” and “poundered”
I agree with the point that this perfunctory piece of work needs to be more detailed and polished before publishing. Some parts, like “her face was as pure as the light shaded of the tempest; her face was as pure as the light shaded by the moon.”, is completely unnecessary and can be improved by choosing either one of the two.
Good point!
Quality is better than quantity 🙂
What are “soliders”, “cully hairs”, and “roit”?
Also, count your full stops (or periods if you prefer American). There should be more of them within your paragraphs. You can’t join numerous sentences together with commas. That is called ‘run-on’ and is typically penalised quite heavily in high stakes English language tests.
This needs more work. There’s no problem with your descriptive work, but check your spelling and punctuation carefully! Much of this isn’t in sentences.
That is to say, don’t rush your work. Take your time and make it as good as you can before publishing.
I’ve double checked the grammar.